Tests that stand the test of time

There are many tests in life. There are math tests, english tests, scholastic aptitude tests (SATs), ACTs, LSATs, MCATs; there are even litmus tests and battery tests. I have even seen, and experienced, character tests. To be honest, I have even proctored a few of my own character tests during interns (but don't tell them). Yet it stands to reason that the two single greatest tests of all time are administered by my 10 month old daughter Catalina. They are highly specialized and focused in their deductive reasoning. The first test is the "smack down test" or as it is known in scientific and academic circles the "high-impact, digit exam". The purpose of this initial test is two-fold:

Number one: to determine if it can be rolled upon, sat upon, stood upon, leaned upon and thrown down the stairs.

Number two: will it fit in my mouth?

So all throughout the house, everything that sits within a 10 month old reach is subjected unwillingly to the smack down of Catalina. For example, cell phones, keys, keyboards, bibles, and any sort of semi-sessile, inanimate object. This results in cries of "no!" and "catalina!" from mom and dad as they try and hide their personal effects all throughout the house. Constantly, picking and moving things which don't appear to be in reach but through a child's innate hidden powers to climb and pull tablecloths they quickly become within reach. However, this test proves to babies worldwide that those objects which are taken from them are indeed the ones that should be subjected to the most evaluation.

The second test that Catalina then performs, after smacking, leaning, sitting and throwing it; is the most helpful. It is a test that can only produce successful results in a baby. (I have tried it myself and find it too hard to distinguish, also due to experience I have learned my lesson about dirt). This test is called the "salivatorical deductive inspection" or "can I eat it?" This test also has a two-fold purpose:

Number one: to determine the entropy (or breakdown) of said item (i.e. how long till this cell phone dissolves in my mouth or how fast can i swallow mom's keys)

Number two: will it fit in my mouth?

In our house, since Cali is teething, saliva seems to be in abundance and drops of spit dot our carpet (yes we steam clean it often [by we, I mean paige]). And everything within Catalina's seemingly endless reach is put to the test. Children everywhere can rest easy and assured, yes, it's true - the corners of bibles and tables are one of the world's great, hidden delicacies.

For centuries, nay, millenia children across God's great, green earth have been subjecting bouncy balls, race cars, wooden boats, pacifiers, books, and the occasional cat to these great tests. Countless acres of dirt and sand have been processed through the bowels of these tiny test-takers, proving once for all that the tests that stand the test of time are the ones that don't kill us and in fact, fit in our mouth.

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PS invite night is only two weeks away!